I don’t really know how to write this or why I’m choosing to share this.
I have a fear that this will be seen as a “look at me! look at all my struggles”. I don’t want to be that person. I suppose I’m doing this as I have to acknowledge it to make it real.
So yesterday I suffered (and am still coping with) the worst attack I’ve had in awhile. It involved crying on the way home on the train, then laying on my bed crying myself to sleep. Yesterday I text my best friend and told her I couldn’t do this anymore. Yesterday, I seriously considered ending my life.
I counted up all the pill packets I had in the house several times, even including my antihistamine stash that I have (I don’t actually know what this would do to me, but at least my breathing would be A*) and laid them out and counted them again. I currently have just under a 100 pills that I’ve purchased at various stages as I’m always losing packets and I have the most horrific periods known to man so like to be prepared like the good girl guide I am.
I also found the sharpest scissors I own and put them on the table and kept staring at them. I’m known for having horrific gag reflex (side note I wrote on Twitter the other day that I had bad gag reflex and was a shitty human, friend corrected me that actually I’d be a shitty girlfriend) so knowing that swallowing one pill took me 10 minutes the other day, I thought about running a bath, using the Lush bath bomb I’ve been saving and cutting my wrists. I used to self harm quite regularly so can cope with doing that.
Yesterday afternoon I was feeling quite fuzzy. The press hunting down those with mental illness and branding us all as nutcase murderers waiting to happen set major trigger warnings off in my head. I find it hard enough to speak to people about how I feel and what I want, and now I felt that I was being tarred and feathered for feeling this way. I can state for the record that whilst I suffer from a mental health issue, I would never hurt someone else intentionally. To be brutally honest I would never wish anyone to feel this way, even my cunt of an ex.
So yesterday I drunk with work colleagues and only exacerbated these thoughts in my head and when everyone left early, the old feelings of rejection surfaced. That has always been my biggest fear, I live in constant worry that I will be rejected for the next best thing. I over think this point again and again. Repeat it in my head like a mantra “You’re being rejected because you aren’t good enough, you will never be good enough”
So I can home and wanted to end it all. I’m tired in my body and my mind with the constant fight to keep the voice quiet. I know this is happening partly cause I’m stressed about work, I’ve convinced myself I’m stupid and because I’m over thinking every comment, remark or hand gesture.
This morning after shouting at the one constant in my life (my cats) and then automatically feeling like shit for being such a horrible person, I started looking at therapists again. I think its time I go back.
I know I will never be 100% right or normal, but I can’t keep this charade up anymore. I need to change something in my life. I need to get back to feeling 80% okay the majority of the time. I need to not be home on a Friday night counting pills and telling my best friend I wanted to end it all.
I’m a horrible person.
I’m a horrible person.
I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person.