Exercise. This is an unfamiliar concept to me.

I don’t do it.

Although I work for a sporting institute, own many “work out clothes” and some pretty pretty trainers, I don’t think I’ve actively participated in anything that could be considered sport since I was at school. I don’t do it. I went to a school that applauded any sporting achievement; they didn’t really applaud the geeky kids who liked doing plays. That just made me hate sport more. I must have had my period about twice a month in order to get out of doing anything.

I clearly remember the time I got shingles and fell off the top bunk bed and scrapped off two inches of my skin on my spine with fond memories as it got me out of participating in team activities where all the non sporty kids were picked last and then given the job of holding the flag or going way way out on the field.

Yes, I could do with losing several stones and tighten up these bingo wings that are creeping up on me but that would require interacting with other humans and putting myself into a place that I don’t want to be. However, I have a trusty FitBit and am forcing myself to walk more. I love achieving a new badge. I feel that pride all those sporting kids surely felt when receiving their end of term medals. Oh look, I’ve walked the same length as some penguins. Yeah! Penguins Rock!

Anywho, as my sporting clothes get used when I’m watching Netflix or when I had to spend two weeks taking hobo showers at work because my buildings boiler broke and the property company are asshats who did nothing about it, I was surprised to learn I’ve still managed to lose weight.

But before we all get excited, I should say I’ve lost two bullshit pounds. I’ve been known to eat a whole cake in one sad sitting so this is bullshit. On one hand I’ve lost two pounds doing nothing (although strongly believe those two weeks I wasn’t eating properly due to lack of funds and stress) but on the other I’ve lost only two pounds. I think from my boobs too, as suddenly not all my button tops look like I’m auditioning for a local branch of Hooters.

I told my friend at work who promptly asked “You sure you’ve not just had a big wee?” Told my best friend she asked “Are you sure you’ve not just had a big poo??” Decided after that to not mention it anymore.

So, whilst everyone else is getting beach body ready, I’m here wondering how the fuck I’ve lost two pounds.

Pretty sure it was just cause I had a big shit. Well I did eat a load of cake…