I find eating in front of people difficult.

I’m always second guessing myself, trying not to look like a huge pig whilst I eat. Careful not to make noises. I will pick lunches at work that aren’t messy. I’ll pick a shitty sandwich over a decent meal if it means I won’t slobber like an old cranky dog.

I know where this all comes from. When I was in the midst of the horrific breakup and we were still trying to be civil (or at least I was). I came into the front room having made myself something to eat and sat down to eat. He looked at me in disgusted and told me “Do you have to be so noisy when you eat? You are fucking disgusting”.

I stood up, fighting back the tears and went and threw my dinner in the bin. I didn’t eat that evening. After that I avoided eating around him. I’d eat in my room or in the kitchen stood by the sink. I’d eat a huge meal at work and then feed myself titbits of biscuits to make it through the evening.

He had done it to me before on a trip to the pub. He told me I had made a scene when questioning the server and taking time to make a decision. He walked out of the pub and left me with two plates of food. I walked out after him and apologised profusely for being such an arsehole. After that I wasn’t really invited out to eat again with him or his friends. I was an embarrassment.

I still feel this shame when I go out to eat with other people or have dinner at their house. I’ll leave myself half full and fake fullness to them. I go home and eat. I cry a little and feel shit about myself.

I carry a snack in my bag to eat on my way home. I’m scared of being an embarrassment to someone else.