I should be asleep, but like always I’m on the internet procrastinating about varies things, whilst trying to complete my course work.
I’ve had trouble sleeping again recently, I don’t know if its because I’ve had a hectic few days recently, or the realisation that my life with HIM is over for good or it could be that I’ve got the dreaded PMT.
Either way, I’m concerned that I’m slipping back to my old habits of not sleeping properly. I’m worried the long nights of staring at the ceiling are coming back which always end up with the dreaded dog. In a way I suppose is it time for his visit, it always seems to happen when life gets back on track for me. I have this horrible flaw of not being happy for myself, I just like to fuck it all up and as is evident from my track record I’m pretty good at it.
Despite the fact that I don’t have to put up with anymore crap from HIM, I find myself wondering if what he told me is right. Can I survive on my own? Will I find someone else who likes me for me and not for what I’ve been moulded into? Am I destined to be a crazy cat lady surrounded by her charity shop shitknacks? Is it always going to be just me, myself and I from now on?
I know I won’t be truly alone, but I do think at 30 I am scared of being alone and dying alone. For someone who spent a large portion of her life hoping for it all to end, I’m now shit scared of that happening. I’m never fucking happy clearly!
Hopefully tomorrow will be better and all the negative thoughts are hormone related. Lets hope that, as I don’t think I can cope with dog days at the moment.