“At least you’re not the arsehole who did that to someone”

I’m finding it really hard again to just let go. I think its because I’ve been thinking too much again. Over and over and over and over, like a stuck record in my head I keep trying to make sense of the last couple of months.

I seem to have an inability to just let fucking go of everything and everyone that hurt me.

I told a friend the other day that I need to shake things up in my life. I feel like I’m stuck in a groundhog day that is getting more and more shit with every passing minute. I need to stop procrastinating on what happened. I need to stop torturing myself for something that someone else did to me. They’re the cunt not me so just let it go.

Am I blowing everything out of proportion? was it all going on for months? did my friends know about it all? was I the last to find out? did he sleep in my bed and at the same time sleep in hers? did he tell her he loved her the same time he told me? did he tell me he wanted to be my friend to make it easier on himself? did I waste my years on someone who never cared? have I left it all too late now? is it even worth continuing?

I keep trying to use the CBT tricks I was taught;

1) Tie negative thoughts to a balloon and let them go – but I can’t let go. Their pretty colours keep me holding on to the string.

2) Work through the thoughts and realise that you’ve made a mountain out of a molehill – easier said then done when you start to realise stuff that was said to you that points to it being a long term thing.

3) Flip negative to positive – I can do this one, except everytime I flip another negative thought appears in its place.

Maybe its that time of year, maybe its because its been nearly a year, maybe its because I’m scared of being alone.

I do take comfort in one thing though – my sister told me “if its true and has been going on for awhile behind your back, just think she’ll always have it hanging over her that he could do that to her. She’ll never be happy or secure and at least you know you’re not the arsehole who did that to someone.”

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