So in a week where I got a new job, I also got sick again.
Not just physically sick (seriously how many colds can one person have in a year!) but also mentally sick. I definitely feel like I am on a downer again and my jokes of becoming an alcoholic or crackhead seem more and more appealing.
I know I should be happy – I’ve been temping for almost three years with no proper job security and the new job is an amazing chance to make something of nothing. I’m hoping that its just being ill that is making everything seem shit. But there is a part of me that keeps nagging “It’s coming back” and I can feel the pain in my chest all the time and I can feel the tears being on the verge of breaking free.
I’m finding it hard to sleep again which I’ve been putting down to having a head of snot, but the constant waking up and vivid dreams make me think otherwise. I’m finding little joy in anything, and having to fake being happy is actually killing me. Luckily being sick means I can brush it off as that, when deep down I know that I just want to crawl under the nearest rock and not wake up again.
I feel like I’m failing again, I feel like I’m in constant need to get everyone’s approval, I feel like no one likes me, I feel very unhappy, I feel like I’m not myself and I feel like I’ve let everyone down again.
I’m trying and its really hard. It’s hard to pretend you are happy all the time, and its hard to pretend that you are fine with being alone.
I don’t know what I want anymore, maybe it comes down to I’ve achieved two of the three things I wanted to achieve this year – new flat and new job, but the elusive new relationship is never forthcoming.
Don’t get me wrong, I know I am very privileged, I have some amazing people in my life (some old and some new) and I’m not dying or anything like that. I just think I’m getting a bit sick of always being on the outside. Always on the cusp of something to have it thrown back in my face.
I wouldn’t say I’m a horrid person, yes I can be an utter fucking cunt at times but I’m a good person. I care (perhaps too much) I am generous (perhaps too much) I am trusting (perhaps too much) and I like making other people happy.
I think I am coming to the conclusion that I am just here for others amusement. I’m here to be used, I’m here to make things better for everyone else, I’m here to give myself away to people so easily and I’m here to be in a constant cycle of shit.
And I’m tired of it.
When is it my turn?
When does it stop hurting?
When do I get to be happy?