Writing a list, checking it twice

I’m writing again.

Not actually writing anything of note like my coursework, stories, blog posts, love letters or even complaints. No, I am writing lists. Lots and lots of fucking lists.

Most recent lists include:

  • Food shopping
  • Things I need to do
  • Coursework to finish
  • People to email back
  • Work items
  • Meeting items
  • Christmas and birthday lists
  • Upcoming blog posts

and many many more.

I find them comforting. I find I can gather some form of “normal” from writing a list. I find that it helps me to prevent achieving anything in my life.

Writing lists make me feel like I’m being slightly productive, and I see the list writing and pretence of being organised increases when I am feeling stressed. I use them as a way to push down all the thoughts and feelings. If I could write a list on stopping the dog I would. But then it would become a vicious of list writing and not actually getting anywhere.

I can scrutinise a list for days, adding and subtracting to them. Making tiny changes to stupid lists that have no real bearing on my life bar the reminder to buy toilet paper this week. I sometimes wonder if I wrote a list for my life or what I should be doing everyday to have a normal life, would all these feelings of worthlessness and insecurity would disappear?

I’ll have to write a list about it and get back to you.


2 thoughts on “Writing a list, checking it twice

  1. Ha! I’m totally with you sister!
    I do feel lost without them and love to cross things off. Yup. I’m crazy.

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