“I was here. I existed. I was young, I was happy, and someone cared enough about me in this world to take my picture”

There will be much better people out there that will say this much more eloquently then I ever could, but it hurts so I’ll say it in the best way I know how.

Every death is tragic and the loss of that person will be felt by many, but when a death comes from a suicide because of depression it hurts me even more.

We live in a society where talking about mental health issues, regardless of their severity is still frowned upon. We are not open enough to listen to the demons everyone faces at some point in their life, and we are especially not open to helping those who are struggling to keep the dog from the door.

I started this blog at a time when the whole of my life was dark and although the sun has been shining a lot more recently, there are still days when all I want to do is hide away and cry. Getting better is hard and making those around you understand that can be hard too. People think saying “cheer up” or “it’s not all that bad, stop being so dramatic” is acceptable, but it is not helpful or comforting. Sometime we need someone to take us by the hand and tell us “you talk, I’ll listen and won’t judge you”, sometimes you just need a hug to feel that although the world around you is caving in, you still have a safe place to turn to.

Putting on a brave face every day is hard and I turn to sarcasm a lot to cover that I’m spiralling. Knowing that a comedy legend decided to take his own life because of his own battles, makes me realise that I’m not the only one who masks sadness with laughter. Those fighting mental health issues become the masters of deception because we don’t feel we can tell.

One of my favourite Robin Williams films is 1 Hour Photo. Not a mainstream one, and you may ask why? I love it not only for how fucking creepy he is (that man could act!) but I love that despite you knowing you should despise this man for being weird, you love him at the same time for wanting what is considered “normal” – a loving family to come home to everyday, people to tell your hopes and fears too and the comfort of knowing you are not alone. I wanted him to succeed, I wanted him to find home.

So despite the tragic end to this man’s life, I hope he finds whatever he was looking for, and I hope his family can understand why he did what he did. It’s not an easy decision to take your own life and far from being the right one, just sometimes it’s what people need to do.

Rest in Peace Robin, may there be laughter forever wherever you are and may you be free from the burdens that tied you down when you where here.

But if there’s love, dear… those are the ties that bind, and you’ll have a family in your heart, forever. All my love to you, poppet, you’re going to be all right… bye-bye.

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