And I’ll always need her more than she could ever need me

I used to listen to this song a lot when I was really depressed, and to be honest its one of my favorite Smashing Pumpkins. Reading the lyrics the song is clearly about an unrequited love and the need to have that person near you.

For me it was the loss of normality and routine due to my depression as well as the fighting battle of proving I was normal and not a freak. I would put it on repeat on my headphones and try to fall asleep when my brain would not switch off. I’ve been trying to use it again recently as I struggle with the inability to tune out in a evening.

I also played this song to myself when my aunt passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. The words took on a different meaning then for me, as I tried to make sense of why someone who meant so much to so many could be taken away like that. Despite never been religious, I’ve always had a feeling that when people leave us trails of them are left behind like leaves in the wind and they will find a way to tell you something left unsaid.

After my Aunt had died she came to me in a dream. Not in a physical form, but in a telephone call. She told me it would be okay and to tell my cousin (her daughter) it would be in blue and then she left. At this point my sister was pregnant with her first baby and all I kept thinking was her baby will be a boy and had that stuck in my mind for a long time.

After my aunts funeral, my cousin told us she was pregnant and it all made sense. Low and behold she had a boy, named Samuel, a name my Aunt loved. I only told my mum about the dream after he was born, telling her “I’m sure it was her making everything okay”.

The same happened after my Grandad passed, I saw him in a window just staring at me. I turned away and back and he’d gone. My ex kept saying “Its just an old man”, but I knew it was him saying goodbye one last time.

Maybe this is just a figment of my deranged mind, a way to comfort myself in the times most needed. But I will always think of them as one last goodbye or nod, making the letting go of something or someone just a little bit easier.

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