During a conversation with a friend when I was telling her I had reached breaking point at my job, she told me quite simply;
Don’t you dare sabotage yourself
When dealing with my depression it’s something I’ve never come across before or even thought to myself. I spend a lot of time worrying about being normal, making it through each day, keeping everyone else happy but have never considered that my actions are an act of self sabotage.
Self sabotage is considered to be a behavior when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviours are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating, and forms of self-injury such as cutting. (explanation taken from Psyschology Today) Reading that I can recognising myself and my actions quite clearly. I am a masochist towards myself and treat myself in such ways that are not right. If you were to see another human do it to someone else on the street you would intervene or call the police.
Harm against others (human or animal) has always disgusted me. I’m quite vocal in my hatred for domestic violence in relationships yet time and time again I abuse myself. I mentally and physically hurt myself and think this is normal. I tell my friend I used to self harm as it become a normality for me, it made me feel normal and it made me feel alive. I no longer injury myself as I did in my teens, I bear the scars still mentally, luckily I was too much of a wimp to scar myself physically – even in self harm I fail! But I do still beat myself up, repeat daily mantras of how shit I am, how I fucked up and continue to do so.
I also realise I self sabotage when it comes to meeting someone new. I don’t take up the offers of dates when asked and I hold onto the fear that someone will hurt me in the same way I was before. I have become lazy and fearful that I will go on a date with someone who won’t like me for my brain so don’t pursue anything. I cheat myself into thinking I am quite content with my two cats and life as it is now, but deep down I know that I’m not.
So how do I stop this cycle? I’ve already admitted to myself and others that I need more counselling, yet again I am procrastinating over this and finding someone. I’ve not been the doctors in several years for fear of what I’ll be told, I’m a definite ostrich, burying my head in the sand – ignore it and it will eventually stop shouting at you. I’ve been doing it for so long now, I don’t know if it’s ignoring or just a part of my life now.
How long can I keep self sabotaging until there is nothing left to ruin?