Feel like I need to disconnect from social media and people for awhile. This time it’s not because of lack of time, more due to just generally feeling utterly fucked off with people.
I do this every once in awhile, partly because my brain tells me it needs to not deal with this crap and partly because I’ve learnt if I don’t I’ll end up chewing myself inside out trying to make it all make sense.
At this moment in time I’m done with being made to feel like a bad person. I’m done with being treated like shit by people. To be honest if I could I would walk away from this life and start again. Change my name, wash away scars and cut ties with everyone. I’m jealous of those people who walk out of their house one day and don’t look back. Oh To be free of all the bullshit that surrounds us.
I’m tired of being the strong one for everyone else and getting shat on from a great height. I’m done trying to be the good person, meek and quiet in the background never daring to utter what my heart screams. I’m mostly done with being the butt of people’s jokes. It’s perfectly acceptable for everyone else to be hurting and to be angry but when I am I’m being selfish or a cunt.
People/friends make choices in life but it doesn’t mean I have to agree with them. Also doesn’t mean you can pick me up and tell me things when it suits you. I would never dismiss anyone else’s depression but when it feel like it’s being used as an excuse to act like a dick it’s not right. Just because I don’t run to a doctor to get pills doesn’t mean you are more fucked in the head then me. I’ve just learnt over the years how to hide the cuts and paint smiles on or make jokes. 99% of the time I lie to everyone about how I feel. Always have and always will. In 31 years I’ve learnt little but at least one thing of worth which makes waking up everyday that little bit easier.
I’m tired of waking up everyday as me. I’m tired of getting everything wrong. I’m tired of breathing with this pain in my chest.
I don’t want to do this anymore.
This isn’t a finally goodbye, just a pause in proceedings. An adieu until the fog clears a bit.