it’s just occurred to me that I don’t think I’m able to forgive myself for what happened.
It sounds stupid but holding on to the shame and guilt of everything means I don’t have to deal with actual problems and be an adult. Not being able to tell myself “it’s okay, you can let it go” is weird. It’s like I feed off this parasite of self hate because it makes it easier to explain why I’m not succeeding at anything else.
Even now thinking about it I can feel my chest constricting and the urge to vomit washes over me in a sequence of heartbeats. I want to tell myself it’s okay and what happened happened, draw a line in the sand and walk over it and I don’t know if I can.
Is it the fear of saying “I forgive you” means I may not be me anymore? Maybe I’ll be a better me, one who doesn’t constantly over analyse every minor detail and pick at myself incessantly. Or maybe forgiving myself will give me breathing space to work out what the next logical step is. Or maybe it won’t change a damn thing and the fear of finding this out makes my brain shout “fuck it stick with what you know, at least you have a vague handle on that shit”.
I’m scared at making that next step, like I’m scared of opening up to someone else. I’m scared of giving myself up and being chewed up, swilled around and spat out when I become unnecessary.
I want to forgive myself. I want to be okay again. I want to feel normal.