And I refuse to be concerned with condescending advice. Cuz I ‘m the only motherfucker that could change my life

Note: Bear with me, this is going to be a rant.

So it’s Sunday and I’ve neglected food shopping for a couple of weeks and as my friend says I can not live on pesto pasta with tuna for ever.

So I crawl out of bed, put some comfy clothes on and wrap my hair up in an all over head scarf. Apparently this is the first mistake I made. According to the general public who live in the South West London area of Raynes Park and Wimbledon, how dare I:

  1. Put on a short skirt
  2. Put on a Re-Animator t-shirt. This is an instant “I’m coming to either fuck your kids, granny or rob you senseless”
  3. Put my hair up in a head scarf – I’m white why would I do that!!???
  4. Be polite and nice like I always am – okay like I am most of the time!

Now, I know we all judge each other be it for the smallest thing like “Omg, that lipstick is far too bright!” or “You are fucking wrong 28 Days Later is not a zombie film!” but I’m personally getting sick of being judged all the time.

Maybe I’m overreacting but I just recently feel that I can’t be comfortable in my own skin, which in itself has taken me several years to feel okay about my weight, my face, my likes, my personality. For years, I struggled with losing weight, gaining weight, trying to be cool, trying to make people like me, scrubbing away myself to fit into what was considered fine for human consumption. And you know what I don’t want to do that anymore.

This morning for the first time in a long time I woke up, looked in the mirror and said “You know what, you ain’t fucking bad. In fact you may actually be a little bit awesome” and now I’m sat writing this and crying. I’m nearly 32 for fuck sake and I’m still letting the twats win.

In response to the people I encountered today, including the two checkout ladies in Morrisons and Tescos who despite having full blown conversations with the people both in front and behind me refused to acknowledge me. Or to the man in Tescos who stood and watched shaking his head as I brought Quorn products in Tescos. Or to the woman on Wimbledon platform who kept sneaking glances at me whilst I waitied for the train home. Or perhaps the dickhead couple who got shitty with me when I refused to move as I was walking down the empty staircase with heavy bags who then proceeded to tell me I was rude for shaking my head and answering him back when he called me an dick. To all of you I would like to say this:

  1. I wear this skirt as I feel comfortable in it and have also paired with tights that are blacker then my own heart. I’m not being offensive or flashy.
  2. I wear this t-shirt because I like the film, it was clean and it makes me smile seeing so many of you getting upset about a horror t-shirt.
  3. I wear my head more and more in a full head scarf as my psoriasis has been pretty grim recently and I’m also losing my hair again. Both are brought on by stress and having this happen stresses me out even more. I tie it all up so it doesn’t cause me embarrassment and so I don’t have to explain that no I don’t have dandruff and I do wash my hair. I’m sorry that this small act of making myself feel better is so alien to you all.
  4. I was always taught by my parents to have manners and that it costs nothing to be polite. I think nothing more of saying sorry when I bump someone or letting others go before me if needed and I don’t think its too much to ask in return. If people started speaking to each other a bit more the world would be so shitty and lonely for so many people.

I just want to live my life without harm and I’m not harming anyone by doing so. I want to speak up for myself and not be told by someone that I can’t. So I cause you offence by standing up for myself, I think the person you need to look at is yourself not me.

So you don’t like my choices in fashion or life. Fine. To be honest you’re most probably not the kind of person I would want to be friends with anyway. Go away, take you small minded dickhead cunting views and fuck off out of my life.

I like me, its taken me a long time but I’ve got there and I refuse to let any bastard take that away from me. You picked on the wrong horror t-shirt wearing, scarf lover, mini skirt enthusiast and foul mouthed girl. I will take you down and pick the skin from your bones for trying to break me.

Or at the very least kill you with my motherfucking Surrey kindness.

 

 

 

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