How are you doing?… Surviving!

In every appraisal or job interview I’ve ever had, I’m always asked the same question; “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

My answer is always the same. It’s the same bullshit answer I give, regardless of who you are and what affect you may have on my life or career. I smile nicely and say “I don’t want to be in a big corner office or anything, I just want to be enjoying the job I’m doing”. But its not true. I don’t want to be enjoying the job I’m doing, in reality I just want to be here.

Unlike my peers, I’ve never ever wanted anything really in life. When I was a child whilst most kids dreamed of being a policeman or rich beyond their wildest dreams, the most I could muster is wanting to work with the dead (yes my obsession with the dead started at a young age). For awhile I did think I could make it as an actress, then I realised I was neither pretty or talented enough to make this a reality. And so, I found comfort in the fact that one day I hoped to work with those unable to speak. 

I’ve always found comfort in silence, as a child I regularly would lock myself in my wardrobe to shut out the world around me. I thought working with dead bodies as an adult would afford me that comfort too. However, I went of on a random tangent and worked in the media for awhile, before ending up temping for several years in admin jobs. And so at 32, I find myself an Administrator. Yes, I’m not even good enough to be a Personal Assistant!

As my friend says, it’s every young girls dream to be an administrator. Think of all the paperwork you’ll get to file, all those endless cups of tea you’ll make and all the bullshit you’ll have to put up with. God yes! This is what dreams are made of.

So I resign myself to my dead-end career and go back to focusing on one thing. The one thing that has been a constant in my life, I go back to focusing on surviving. Every day is a struggle for me, one moment I’m manically happy and the next I’m on the verge of losing it all. But I’m here, working on the hardest role I’ve ever had.

So where do I honestly see myself in five years time? Here, right here. Feeling the ground beneath my feet and not six feet above my head.

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