Dear Tony…

It’s been a few years now. And I’m done.

I’m tired of being scared.

I’m tired of looking for you in crowds. Heart racing when I see someone who could be you, looking for an exit so I don’t have to face you.


Your hands that caused me harm and bruises, no longer linger on me. I don’t feel them around my throat or fingers pinching into my fleshy upper arm. I no longer fear the touch of another human being.

Your words no longer roll like a ticker tape in my head. A constant loop of how shit you told me I was has been cut to pieces and new words have been inserted. I am strong, I am loved, I am worthy.

Your spit has been wiped clean off my face and doesn’t run down it in a gloopy mess. I’ve replaced it with pretty makeup and a smile.

Your malicious acts that were so subtle I mistook them for you caring, have been revealed. I don’t worry that my clothes are too bright, my voice and laugh to loud or that my opinions should not be heard.

Your screaming in my face and ears now longer sounds. The banshee wail is now white noise and can be turned off at will.

Your lies about me putting you into debt no longer make me count my pennies, afraid that you’ll turn up unannounced and unwanted with your begging bowl in hand. I spend my money on what I want and when I want. Mainly on things I know you would hate.


You no longer haunt my dreams and make me wake uncomfortable and scared in my own bed.

You no longer matter enough for me to harm myself because of you.

You no longer exist in my life.

You no longer.


I hope you are kinder to the next girl. I hope she doesn’t lay awake at night next to you silently crying, flinching when you reach out as she’s not sure if it will be a touch of love or pain.

I hope you can forgive yourself. Maybe you don’t want to be this person, you don’t want to be your dad. But you have been and maybe you still are.

I hope you never see me or if you do you are wise enough not to approach me.

I hope, I hope, I hope.


I was always yours but you were never mine. This use to cause me such intolerable pain as I would twisted and bend to make you happy. Make myself what I thought you wanted.

I was never your better half. I wasn’t even your half. I was nothing to you. I was insignificant.

But I’m glad I’m no longer yours. Someone else gets to have me. Someone else gets to love me like you should have done.

Thank you for setting me free, even if you did do it in the most horrible way possible.

Thank you.

 

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