It’s plain to see. It’s either you or me

It was a few days before my 34th birthday and I was in a euphoric state. I was happy with life, I was making good choices, I finally felt that I could be in a place to date someone properly again. And then it happened.

I found out he had got married. He’d found a girl to settle down with, who was perfect and amazing according to mutual friends. He’s life is everything mine isn’t. He’d managed to still come out on top.

I did tiny vomits in my mouth and started crying. Gut wrenching tears that you normally find at a graveside. I frantically messaged one of my oldest friends, despairing at the fact I was so upset.

“What’s wrong with me?” I asked her,  “Why am I reacting like this?” and then it hit me.

I wasn’t sad because it wasn’t me with the ring on my finger and the chain to him for eternity. I was sad because he’d hooked someone else in. I was sad that people thought this was a great thing. I was sad because he’s managed to come out of it unchanged and somehow on top. I was sad he still had the ability to cause my body and brain to react in such a violent way.

And so yes, four years on and countless posts saying I’m fine I can confirm it still hurts. Not because I miss him and certainly not because I love him. It hurts because its like it never happened. And so I pulled up the photo below and tweeted it out with the line;

“This is why I get to be angry still”

wpid-img_20140217_214547.jpg

It may not look horrific but this is part of what happened. I’m unable to show you the mental scars I have but they are there. I can’t show you the spit on my face and in my hair. This is my only evidence and my word, which has never been enough. It’s all there festering away, making me question every man I meet, making me scared to fall in love again.

So yes, I get to stay angry at him. For hurting me and for conning someone else.

Lets just hope he treats her better.

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