10 things you’ll hate about me

I have many flaws and some I can’t even put down to being human. When I broke up with my ex, he listed my flaws at me. He rattled them off with spite and malice making me feel small and insignificant. Over the years I’ve learnt that those flaws he saw in me where not the things I worried about and I gradually grew to quite like them. So I’ve listed some of them below, along with others.

This is a useful list for any potential bearded man to read. Trust me, these are 10 things that you will either find utterly adorable or send you running for the hills.

1. I am obsessed with cats

I want to make every cat I meet my friend. I will squeal at a kitty in the street in the way a women whose biological clock is screaming in her ears will squeal at a baby. Whilst the normal woman will grab for chubby screaming hands and faces and smother them in kisses, I will want to clutch any furry face close to me and bury my head in their fur whilst I whisper to them “You are the bestest kitty in the whole world” whilst simultaneously looking for way to sneak this furry beast into my handbag/ample boob area, so I can make them my own.

2. I’m utterly shit at being a woman 

If you are looking for a girl to cook you amazing home cooked meal, all whilst maintaining a beautiful home, then keep walking cause she isn’t going to be found here. I can barely make myself look presentable each day, so if you are looking for a woman woman its not going to be here.

3. I will 9/10 stand up and say something if I think its wrong

My ex hated this about me. He hated the way I would interject into bitter conversations between couples, tell a customer off for being rude to their server or generally having an opinion. For awhile I buried this and bit my tongue raw when around him. When he eventually went, I rejoiced in having a view again and I will never not be sorry for this.

4. Dress are awesome, if they have pockets they are even better

Fact. Any woman (or man!) who says otherwise is wrong. Especially dresses with pockets are fucking awesome. You can hide mints in them, tissues for when you are having a Goonie crying day and for smuggling tiny kittys away to your home. I hate wearing trousers and avoid it at all costs. So be prepared for for two wardrobes filled with dresses of all colours and patterns.

5. Once it pops, I just can’t stop

I’m a fully signed up member of the popoholic club. Dr Sandra Lee is like a god to me. It’s gross but I find it completely relaxing. Maybe its a kink for me?

6. I’m a (cake) Feeder

I will want to make you cake. I will be upset if you don’t want to eat said cake. My ex would never eat my cake (he took great pleasure in telling me I was an awful cook – I am but I make fucking good cake) and so I now get huge anxiety over making cake and people not wanting it or it being shit. Basically just eat the cake and we’ll be okay.

7. Violence is my thing (in films)

I will laugh inappropriately at violence in films. The more violent and bloody the harder I will laugh. My best friend was a bit taken aback the first time she witnessed this, now she just asks if I laughed at all to see if I thought it was a good movie.

8. Welcome to the Granny’s home

I collect many things that would not be out of place in your Nanna’s home so be prepared for weird art, china cats, crochet blankets and shitknacks. As mentioned above I’m not a woman woman. I’m far from grown up and have shitty housekeeping skills. You will get covered in cat fur, there will be out of date food in my fridge and I may not have hoovered. What you can be assured of it I’m not a house nazi and will not shout at you if you drop something on the floor. I may however make use of the five second/how cat hairy is it rule. I’m a classy girl.

9. I did a bad murder or at least I like everything about them

I’m obsessed with all things murder related. I have been since I was a child but have only recently been able to share this with people. I used to snuggle down with a book about serial killers from the library. Don’t worry I don’t think I’m a murderer. I have no traits whatsoever but I will enjoy a conversation about your favourite murder and ways I think it would be cool to be murdered.

10. Insane in the brain

I will have an anxiety stress over the most stupidest thing and no amount of you telling me it will be okay will make it okay in my brain for a couple of hours/days/months/years. I’m not trying to be a dick, my brain is just wired weirdly. I will go quiet on you, I will ignore messages. I don’t hate you, I just need to process it all.

So yes, if you find the above attractive please do get in touch. I’m sitting patiently for my very own bearded man to talk about murder with.

Please?!?

Anyone…

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