I fucked everything up

I sobbed down the phone to my sister the other day. I uttered those words to her “I fucked everything up” and then retched in grief.

She did not judge me, she did not shout. She just told me “You haven’t fucked anything up, it will be okay because there are people who care about you” This made me cry more and she spent her lunch break listening to me.

This was the day I was fired from my job. A job I had done for two years without complaint from anyone, bar the occasionally “You can be a bit harsh/mean”. It was a job that I had a month ago been told was mine when the permanent position came up. Then I had my boss telling me I belittle him, I’ve been rude since the day I walked in, I am rude to other staff, I am unprofessional. The worse thing he told me was that I had brought this upon myself. He also laughed in my face when I told him the way he had screamed in my face last week was not nice, he said “Are you really going to pull that one?” He had become HIM.

Work was the one place I felt safe and comfortable, and in that instance it was like being at home again. In that moment I realised I was surrounded by men who wanted to assert their authority over me. It was the moment it clicked in my head “Fuck this shit, I’m better then this”

I won’t lie, the last few months at work haven’t been great. I’ve not been professional to a tee. I’ve sworn in the corridor at my boss, I’ve refused to open the door to a staff member who had forgotten their security pass, I’ve sat with a sad face and refused to speak to people. Yes, I’ve acted like a dick but I’ve been like that because of everything at home. My head hasn’t been in a great place and yes I know its no excuse for being a dick but is it enough to be fired? Clearly my boss thought it was.

So 2013 ended for me with no job, no boyfriend and no home. I was 30, broke, homeless, loveless and jobless. I walked out of that meeting room with my head held high, calmly walked to the toilet, bolted the door, rang my sister and burst into tears. “I fucked everything up” I said “No you haven’t” she said and at that moment the light shone through. We all make mistakes, some worse then others but we can always use these mistakes to better ourselves and better the situation that we are in.

So yes in that instance everything was fucked, but it didn’t matter. My sister held her hand out to me told me to grab hold “You can come here and we will take care of you” she calmly said and that was all I needed to know. That was the moment I realised I am loved, despite what other people think.

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